Feels Like Mushrooms

After having groundless fears that the baby is dead, I have finally received signs of life. If felt a few little blops -- like someone hitting you with a mushroom cap (crimini, not oyster or portabello). It wasn't gas. Has happened 2 time thus far that I can easily identify. Both times I was sitting in a classroom chair, kinda leaning back cause I am already getting a bit uncomefortable, hands crossed over the belly, and BLOOP a little one-two nudge. Or more like an earthquake and an aftershock -- BUM bum.

So, despite not gaining much weight and not feeling "pregnant" and therefore thinking that the baby is dead, I have proof to the contrary. Phew. I know the baby hasn't been eating much casue I have had RTGE (rapid transit through the gastrointestinal something that means diharrhea) bad for a few days and eating was literally painful for a day.

Nice that I am not getting fat all over, but I don't want to suddenly pop and be left with huge tracks of scar tisssue. Took me years to get over the stretch marks I got from puberty -- I'm not looking forward to adjusting to them again. Oh well. I have little chioce in the matter.

I went to Bar Review last night and was the designated driver. I was happy to be able to finally return the favor for my frinedswho have been carting me around al shool year (and who will have to continue to do so because Chris gets the car most of the time). Wow -- people got shitfaced. Crazy shit faced. I am so glad that I am not single and even more glad that I cannot drink. Takes too much time and energy. It was fun. I chose a Madonna themed outfit that showed off a lot of my most ample assetes and pretty much covered up the preggy belly -- it was fun to feel sexy and I did not miss the snug stretch of my pregnancy jeans. In fact, I can still fit into my faveorite jeans.

I was rememinded by a friend of all the great things that have changed in our country this week, both literally and ideologically -- it is time to take a moment out and give a little thanks to the universe. I wonder if I will live in a time that seems humankind (especially American humans) act more in tune with their true divine selves (I'm not religious, but I'm thinking of Brahman) and stop the cycle of consumption that is, I think, a way to try to replace our connection to something deep within and beyond ourselves.


From Wikipedia Re: Buddha and desire or Taṇhā

According to Buddhist teachings, craving, or desire, springs from the notion that if one's desires are fulfilled it will, of itself, lead to one's lasting happiness or well-being. Such beliefs normally result in further craving/desire and the repeated enactment of activities to bring about the desired results. This is graphically depicted in the Bhavacakra, the repeated cycling through states driven by craving and its concomitant clinging (upadana). Further analysis of taṇhā reveals that desire for conditioned things cannot be fully satiated or satisfied, due to their impermanent nature. This is expounded in the Buddhist teaching of impermanence, change (Skt.: anitya; Pali: anicca).

Moreover, one's taṇhā leads not only to one's own suffering (dukkha) but also to "evil, unwholesome factors" (pāpakā akusalā dhammā) that lead to the suffering of others. The Pali Canon delineates this chain of events as follows: from one's taṇhā arises attachment, then possessiveness and then defensiveness from which can arise lies, arguments and conflicts.^[5]

The Buddhist solution to the problem of taṇhā (craving, wishing) is the third of the four noble truths, the cessation (nirodha) of suffering. The cessation of suffering comes from the quenching (nibbuta) of taṇhā, which is the destruction of taṇhā. The problem is that we desire unsatisfactory (dukkha) things, namely sensual pleasures, existence and non-existence. When we have Right Effort, when we want that which yields satisfaction, then taṇhā is not the obstacle to enlightenment but drama elimination.

coming back home

I am finally ready to post here again. Perhaps because of my mediocre performance on my exams I was shamed to silence. Break wasn't long enough. My new classes are boring. Well, no more excuses. Today is a new day and a new chapter in American history. I never thought that I would be so young when seeing the first Black President. I'm not sure that I ever thought that it would happen. It has been a great morning. BitterNY and I decided that I was too pregnent to make the trip, so we cashed in our plane tickets and watched it together this morning in HD. I think that was a really good call -- my stomach has been persnickety for a few days now so fighting 299 people for the bathrooms would have been awful.

But now the parade is winding down and I have to go to school and do my reading and hopefully Barak is getting on top of rolling back some of the more assinine, last-minute, havoc- wrecking, pro-business, anti- people who need clean water regulations that Bush pushed through at the very end of his term.

I'm tired and pretty down about the whole law school way of doing things. Im glad that I am here, but really missing my regular paycheck and the joy of being competent at what I do. I miss New York and my friends. But you just can't beat 72 degrees on January 20th.

I can't

I am having the hardest time concentrating on work. I have no desire to read and even less desire to pay attention in class. And, I feel fat. My own fault for eating like a tri-athelete. I have a huge tummy! Everything below the waist is getting wider. Crap. It wasn't small to begin with.

I went to a firm reception last night and it was pretty fun. I have to say that I was nervous and uncomfortable and 30% of that was because my clothes did not fit well. Boy, that really throws me off of my game. Dressing up is fun. I prefer not to wear a t-shirt and sneakers every day (it is new for me this sneaker thing -- in NYC it was always sandals or boots, nothing so mundane as sneakers unless I was working). But last night I was struggling to get my zipper zipped and my mouth was dry and I was hungry (I was that girl - -one of the last people there shoving sandwiches in my mouth, at least I was joined by many of the lawyers from the firm who had already put in their time).

SO reception went very well for me. I got to talk to the partner I wanted to talk to and it sounds like he really enjoys his job and does interesting work. I was joined in conversation by a Michigan 1L who was a bit annoying. Next time I will be less afraid to say dumb things cause she did and she recovered very well. At least I knew a bit about the firm and the partner (thanks to internet access during class) and didn't ask any question that could have been easily answered by reading the website. I forgot to ask the partner for his business card, but he offered it to me! (And not to annoying girl). Yeah for me.

Would have helped if I stopped licking my dry lips and was a bit more animated. Oh well, it was a good start. Hubby was a bit shocked that I fit into the suit (size 4) and is adamant that I go to a preg store and get some preggo slacks and some conservative shirts. Every buttondown shirt I have is pretty colorful or just plain old and none are appropriate to wear with my suit. Actually, I do have one GAP top from a Philip Lim (I think) colloboration that I have never worn that is a size too big (all that they had left) that should work perfectly.

This weekend will be intense - Saturday will be wedding dress shopping with some friends (I feel like an expert in this area!) and Sunday will be devoted to trying to win some scholarship money. And I want to finish this great book that I am reading and begin another.

I need to get to the gym, but I may have to settle for the yoga video that I bough BItterNY a year ago that is collecting dust. If I can't get into some sort of shape, there is no hope for having a natural birth.

expansion

I just took some belly pictures yesterday. Today was the first day of the new semester. My belly grew today. Actually, I think it was this evening. It started to feel all hot and hubby confirms that it is bigger. Can't really hold it in anymore.

Grades are coming out by Wednesday. I couldn't take it so my study buddy and I asked at the records office and seems that 3/4 profs have handed in grades and 2/3 should be posted in the next 2 days. I am just dying to know how I did. But I don't want to look at school cause if it is bad (B- in K's), I'll cry. No kidding.

I had an interesting run in with a professor. I was blocking a doorway with my backpack as I chatted with a friend and a prof came from behind and pushed my out of the way, without saying a word. I was dumbfounded and pretty pissed. So I waited for him to emerge and said," I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was in your way." He waived me off and didn't even stop or really acknowledge me. WTF???

I was very angry, but I thought, maybe this is a hormonal reaction, so I asked a prof about what she thought I should do. She suggested that I confront him directly and not mention that I was preggers and maybe a bit emotional cause that would have pissed her off too. I went to class and decided that I would just talk to the dean of students. She said he's like a bull in a china shop and has a good heart. She might find a diplomatic way to mention things to him. Whatever. Classmates were all up in arms about the prof's battery, but I was thinking that we shouldn't get too carried away over that and start acting like crazy little pit lawyers.

When things like that, weird, unexplainable things happen -- I have to wonder why. Would that have happened to me if I were a man?