Just taking a few minutes on this Sunday afternoon to reflect. I just had a birthday. This Wednesday, I will meet with 2 friends from high school, one older one younger, though neither by much. I graduated from high school eleven years ago. Until I graduated, it felt like it would go on forever. But that was a good thing, I was having the time of my life. I had a great time in class (fighting the MAN, aka my teachers especially my English teacher, whom I pissed off so much she handed me a paper back on which she had simply scribbled the word NO. WTF?). A great time in cross- country and track, drama too. Saw amazing and beautiful parts of Cali. And I met some of the most amazing people in the world and we are still friends!
I am one of the world's most messy people. Not dirty, but messy. Back then, I was out of control. I have a hard time throwing things away. (Thank god for recycling, it makes me feel like I am not throwing things away but giving them a new life somewhere and therefore it is easier to let them go.) In and out of college, I refused to clean my room, do the dishes (ate out) or my laundry (NYC pickup services).
Well, the biggest difference now is just that I act like an adult. I don't look much different. I have mostly the same friends. I still listen to REM, PJ HArvey, Blur, the Pixies and really great 80's electro pop. I still love to cook, but now I clean as I go (result of living with a chef). I have done the dishes almost every day since I moved here (I didn't say that I've been an adult for a long time) and my office has small pockes of controlled chaos. Also, I now watch sports by myself (I couldn't be married to BitterNY without becoming a sports fan). I stopped myself from browsing the J Crew final sale earlier today because I just can't (even though technically I could) put anyhting else on my credit card with our wedding 20 days away. Oh, and I'm going to law school so that I can have a career and financial stability for my family instead of being one of the millions of table waiting wannabe artists (not that there's anything wrong with that).
So I guess I could replace acting like an adult with taking responsibility for my actions and getting my shit together. If I stayed in New York, I could have continued my extended adolescense, especially because I still look like I just got out of college.
But, I'd like to be a mom(feels really strange to write that!!) That's why I came to this law school rather than one of the 2 others who offered my a full ride. I passed on full tuition and fees with a living stipend at a school ranked exactly the same as the one I chose. (I may regret this, but it's too damn late now.) My family lives in this state and my best friend just had her first little one 20 miles from here. When I visited in the spring, I met other student moms and even a professor who said "Have your kids in law school." The BLSA members swore that they would bring me notes for any class I missed and would be there with advice and a list of recommended babysitters. It will be much easier for my mom to take the hour long flight down here to help.
So here I am and here we (me n' BNY) are. The stakes are higher than they used to be. Summers are shorter but I can sit on my couch all day every day playing Civilization if I want to. Debt is a real presence in my daily life but with bigger risks come bigger rewards (I hope!). I am better at cleaning up after myself. I've lost any angst and anxiety I used to have about growing up and being someone, now enjoying each day as I live it and reveling in the journey.
P.S. thanks to all those MILPS who have blogged through school and given me hope that I can succeed as a wife, law student and mother. You gals rock!
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