In the Beginning

In the beginning, I thought I'd be more ready than I am now. Went to a BLSA mixer. Very laid back -- sandwiches and chairs in circles to facilitate conversation. I talked with 2 2Ls about the summer jobs that they just wrapped up. I don't know what I want to do career wise, but next summer, I want to work for the public defender's office. It sounds like there is so much to actually do and learn and these people really do need help (albeit for problems many have caused for themselves.) I can feel the adrenaline already. The only problem is that I might like it too much. I was raised Catholic and am always just a little bit afraid that I will get a calling to say work in the PD's office for many years, earning no money and growing a f.u.p.a. I need to have a good paying job so that I can get my family out of debt.

So office not organised, books not bought, house a mess and laundry needs to get done. Who was I kidding thinking I'd have all my perfectly polished ducks in a row. It's just not me.

Profs were intersting today at the luncheon, but I'm already feeling ghettoized. All profs of color -- do none of the white faculty want to interact with us? And a hand out for black students with a section titled "Where to get your hair did". WTF?? I'm sorry, I speak proper English. The colloquialisms do not make me feel at home. They make me feel like this is a fucking joke. I'm in law school. Law school.

Didn't like one of the profs at all. Was so arrogant and pompus while trying to be humble. Couldn't listen to the feigned forgetfulness or the incomplete yet self agrandizing thoughts. I have no poker face -- hope no one was looking at me.

My face is a wasteland of white heads, can't sleep for shit. STRESS and I haven't really done anything.

I learned somewhere the supposed historical meaning of "Peace be with you" that one says in mass -- freedom from anxiety.

Stuck with me all these years. I need that now.